Understanding, and recovering from, narcissism in your family
What is narcissism?
The clinical definition of narcissism is self-absorption, lack of genuine caring, superficiality, concern with outward, external appearances over internal substance, an exaggerated need for reassurance, shallowness, distancing (an unwillingness to get too close or give too much.)
What does narcissism in parenting look like?
Your parent, for whatever reason (job stress, alcoholism, drug abuse, mental illness, physical disability, lack of parenting skills, etc) is primarily concerned with getting his/her own needs met. As the child, you are trying to gain attention and approval by becoming a reflective reaction of your parents needs, but you never develop the ability to recognize your own wants and needs and develop strategies for getting them met. Meeting the needs of your parents is the only way you are able to consistently gain attention, approval and acceptance from your parent(s).
What elements develop in a family dynamic as a result of narcissism?
Skewed responsibility: You become inappropriately responsible for meeting parental needs and are deprived of opportunities for necessary experimentation and growth
Reactive/reflective: You learn to wait and see what others expect or need and then act; you learn not to trust your own feelings and judgements
Problems with intimacy: Because you have learned not to trust, you experience difficulty when trying to let down barriers and become emotionally intimate with others
Intermittent and unpredictable parental reinforcement: This type of parenting style leaves you “hooked” by the occasional and unexpected reinforcement, but you still don’t trust your own feelings.
How is narcissism maintained within a family?
Indirect communication
Triangularization: Your parent will often communicate through you to prevent their own emotional intimacy with the other parent. Typically, one parent will form an alliance with the child.
Lack of parental accessibility: You are discouraged from direct, open communication about feelings. Conversations with your parent usually turn into advice giving, a fight or denial.
Unclear boundaries: Any rules may be broken by your parents as their needs dictate. You and other children do not learn how to set clear, appropriate boundaries (can’t say no, do not have to be physically or emotionally accessible at all times to others, etc.)
Moving target: Your emotional needs are usually met by accident, not intention. You learn that there is something wrong with you because you cannot access your parents for extended periods of time.
Lack of entitlement: You are not entitled to have, express or experience unacceptable feelings to your parents.
Mind-reading: You must meet the unspoken needs of your parents.
*Additionally, adults who were raised in narcissistic families may have few or no childhood memories. Typically, an adult from a narcissistic family is filled with unacknowledged anger, feelings of hollowness, inadequacy, and suffers from periodic anxiety and depression. Additionally, the adult has no clue how or why they got that way.
*It is possible for one child within a narcissistic family to get their needs met, while the other child does not.
What problems do children face when raised in a narcissistic family?
Overcontrol: You have an unrealistic view of how powerful you are. You often feel responsible for problems in your family and feel responsible for fixing those problems.
Compartmentalization: You exert overcontrol over childhood events, but don’t take responsibility for choices and actions in the present.
All or none: You generalize issues of responsibility and blame and end up with all-or-none stances.
People-pleasers
Criticism: You have difficult accepting any criticism, whether over or implied. You consider criticism as a rejection of you as a person, not just the behavior.
What are the 5 stages of recovering from being raised in a narcissistic family?
Revisiting: Remove all the blinders and acknowledge the truth about your childhood. Give up on the fantasy that things in your family were ideal and normal.
Mourning the loss of your fantasy family: Stop wasting energy trying to recreate the family that never was.
Recognition: Recognize the effects of being raised in your narcissistic family that were problematic in your current life. The coping mechanisms from your childhood are not dysfunctional.
Evaluation: Assess your current situation. Look at your personality traits and determine which to keep and which to change.
Responsibility to change: Work on your dysfunctional personality traits that are left over from childhood.
Does confronting the narcissistic parent work?
If intervention is enforced to get revenge, get an apology, cause physical harm, get the perpetrator/parent to admit that h/she did it, to “watch them squirm,” or to clear the air, then the intervention will not work. In short, if the person/child initiating the intervention wants anything from the perpetrator/parent, the confrontation will fail. The only reason for a confrontation is to enable the survivor/child to tell the perpetrator /parent what happened and how the survivor/child feels about it.
