Interpersonal effectiveness and communication behaviors
Negative Communication
DISCOUNTING: “Your needs are not as important as mine!”
WITHDRAW/ABANDONMENT: “Do what I want or I’ll leave or give you the emotional deep freeze”
THREATS/PUNISHMENTS: “I’ll hurt you or deprive you of something if you don’t do what I want”
BLAMING: “My needs are your fault. Your need is your fault”
BELITTLING/PUT-DOWNS: “You’re foolish for wanting or thinking that”
GUILT TRIPPING: “You’re unfair for wanting that … you shouldn’t/should do this because I think so or because I want it”
DERAILING: “I’m switching topics for what you (or I) started talking about even though we haven’t reached any resolution”
MIND READING: “I know what you really think or feel”
SUMMARIZING SELF: “I know you’d agree with me if you could just get what I am saying, so I’ll repeat myself until you get it”
CROSS COMPLAINING: “If you complain about me, I’ll complain about you”
KITCHEN SINKING: “You did this, and also that, and also that ….”
YES, BUT: “I don’t really agree, so I will tell you all of the reasons that I can’t do what you are asking for”
DISAGREE OR OPINIONS WITHOUT RATIONALE: “I’m right. I just feel that way , no matter what”
UNCLEAR: “Just… I don’t know … kind of like that”
NEGATIVE NONVERBAL: Frowns, cold voice, rude gestures
YOU STATEMENTS: “You made me feel so sad/mad etc”
Positive Communication
VALIDATING OTHERS: : “I can see why you’’d feel that way”
RESPECT, COMMITMENTS: “ Even though we disagree, I’ll hang in there until we work this out”
POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT: “I’d really like it if you did this for me .. and it would lead to this positive outcome for you”
TEAMWORK/PROBLEM SOLVING: “Let’s not worry about who’s to blame, but figure out how we can solve problems”
COMPLIMENTS: “I appreciate how much effort you put into this”
ACCEPTANCE: “I accept who you are and acknowledge you have a right to feel that way, even if I disagree”
BACK ON THE POINT: “Wait a second … what do we want to be talking about?”
CHECKING OUT: “I think this is where you are on this … is that right?”
SUMMARIZING: “So what I hear you saying is …” “Sounds like you feel …”
ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY: “Yes, I did that … I’m sorry it had that effect on you”
FOCUSING ON SPECIFICS: “Yesterday, you did X … in the future, could you try Y?”
ACKNOWLEDGE DISAGREEMENT, PROVIDE RATIONALE: “I have a different take on this; my perspective is …”
AGREE/DISAGREE WITH RATIONALE: “Here’s my thinking on this”
CLARIFICATION REQUEST: “Could you give me some specifics on that?”
POSITIVE NONVERBAL: Smiles, warm voice, eye contact
I STATEMENTS: “When you do X, it pushes my buttons and I get angry”
